If I Die I Die

When faced with uncertain or unexpected hardships, God's hands are there to help. He knows our limits. It takes time for us to walk through the refiner's fire. Always longer than expected, but worth every step.

While on my mission in Hong Kong, I was not the best at taking care of myself. We walked around most of the day dehydrated. I was a skinny lad when I started at 19, and a stick when I got back. I was sick in bed for a solid month with swollen glands after returning home. Went to the hospital for tubes down my throat, x-rays, and shots. No specific remedy, just needed time to recuperate.

While in bed that first month, I had time to reflect. The different types of food in Hong Kong took some getting used to. Some great, and some hard to swallow. Still not as bad as the leftover meals I made in college. Macaroni noodles and ketchup anyone? My calorie intake as a missionary must have been lower than my daily treks. Either way, I didn't die. But at one time, I thought I might. I made a list of my health issues: Ulcer - at night painful. All joints crack. Red eyes. Tendon fragility. My heart skips a beat - takes my breath away. Skin irritation - whole body rash. Wisdom teeth. Low Blood sugar. Mono symptoms. I did not want to complain and have to go home. So I kept quiet.

I told Heavenly Father, "If I die, I die. A heart attack while serving God, what better way to go?" God gave me a brain to take care of myself. I was not using it yet. I decided to push through and not worry about it. I took a pause when I felt my heart skipping a beat. Post-mission, the doctor said it was just duodenum spasms induced by my poor diet. At least I showed God I was committed.

A month or two after I told God "If I die, I die", He hit me with a trial bigger than a fake heart attack. Anxiety. Had my first panic attack the evening of 11/6/1983, two months after I experienced an unexpected slice of hell. I told a few people about my panic attack, but no one understood it. I asked a medical doctor about anxiety. He only wanted to mask the symptoms with drugs. No thanks. So I kept it to myself for a few years while I understood myself better. Finally, I said, "If I die, I die. Enough is enough." I faced my anxiety head-on with God's help and self-meditation, and overcame it completely.

Never did die, not even close. Facing my fears with faith in God and Christ only made me stronger.

Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.

Adversity is the refiner's fire that bends iron but tempers steel.